Bigger, Stronger, Galaxy…er

Hey look! I’m back and I’m still nerdy and this is like a 3-4 month old story. But I don’t care fool, cause I’m is me!

When siblings fight, it’s usually the sibling with the size advantage that wins, which is logical because they have more weight, power, and experience. But when the younger sibling hits his growth spurt and the sibs sizes average out, then the fight becomes a fairer fight. For eons the Andromeda galaxy has been lording over us like a big brother, all cocky and whatnot, threatening to kick our ass and take the last slice of pizza and always riding in the front seat of the car (Andromeda doesn’t even call shotgun, he just sits up front, WTF!). Well guess what Andy, we’s all growed up now sucka. Scientists have now found that our galaxy, The Milky Way, is ~50% larger than we had originally thought it, making our galaxy around the same size as our closest neighbor Andromeda, which from the first comparisons, we’d thought was just dwarfing us, in fact we are now the two biggest systems of the Local Group of galaxies (which sounds like a workers union). Astronomers discovered this information by noticing that when they 3D mapped the stars, using a process I’m not really gonna go into the many details, about new stars and radio telescopes and such, but yeah, we as a galaxy are now bigger, bitch and Andromeda is quaking because equivalently we’ve gone from being a 5’5″ pipsqueek to a 6’3″ guy who packed on some beef and now beats up bullies at the beach. We’ve “grown” in both breadth and mass (bigger and heavier) and I think we’re gonna get a little more respect in our star quadrant and this is just the begining of the true mapping of our galactic structure. But to pour salt into a sore wound, this makes Pluto even more of a non-planet (Pluto, you’re such a pussy, I fuckin hate you. Die you Trans-Neptunian abomination, you go die right now ).

Somebody in this approximation of an image has his puberty and been working out at the gym.

Somebody in this approximation of an image has hit puberty and has been working out at the gym. Do you see them arms?

Now the bad news. The speed and recalculated size of the Milky Way increases the probability and shortens the timelime of a likely smash into another nearby galaxy (think Andromeda), which, you gotta trust me, is NOT going to be pretty, especially if you’re anywhere within the vicinity of the two objects. So now the race is on in the, “how will our beautiful solar home be unimaginably destroyed” stakes? The contestants are: our wonderful Sun going hyper and imploding and throwing our solar system into every which direction possible OR our whole galaxy smashing into another galaxy and crashing together at massive speeds; which of these unimaginably destructive, amazingly colossal, unfathomably cataclysmic and violent endgames will destroy our little neck of the universal woods and reduce it to powder first? The supernova is getting 4-1 odds, since it’s got about 5 billion year timeline, while the galacto-smash is in the 1-2B neighborhood.  So everyone place your bets and give me the money now and I’ll pay back the winners once the results are in and no bet is too big (what? it sounds totally fair to me), hey, I’ll even give you a half price discount on the juice, scouts honor (disclaimer: Omar is not and was never once a Boy Scout or a scout of any other kind, he did think the Biker Scouts, were cool. The closest he ever came to scouting was learning to tie knots from a scout master who visited the kids at the Children’s Hospital in Norfolk, VA while in the playroom, during which, he still would rather have played the Donkey Kong machine, especially since he has no remembrance at all of how to tie said knots).

Explore posts in the same categories: Guess Who's Back?, Science

One Comment on “Bigger, Stronger, Galaxy…er”

  1. Kasey Says:

    I feel bad for poor little Pluto.
    I’m going to go with the galactic smash because it sounds cool.

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